


Venomous

by kellysaur



Series: Venomous [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Assisted Suicide, Canon Compliant, Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Suicidal Thoughts, Temporary Character Death, There isnt lots of violence but there is a graphic description of death by poison, kind of, mention of past (temporary) suicide, typical stolen century angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 19:28:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17945729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kellysaur/pseuds/kellysaur
Summary: "IfI can make it through the night? Have a little faith in me, Bar." Her breaths were too slow, too measured, to be anything but deliberate."It's not you I don't have faith in. You know that. We're not invincible.You'renot invincible."Lup takes a hit she can't bounce back from. Barry and Taako are left to deal with the consequences.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Looking up for Heaven](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16219895) by [Qpenguin98](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qpenguin98/pseuds/Qpenguin98). 



They had thought life on this plane had been limited to the typical flora and fauna. They’d been here _two months_ and hadn’t seen anything more intimidating than a black bear. And so, when they’d managed to triangulate the Light’s location, Barry and Lup thought they’d be fine retrieving it on their own. As Lup had put it, “Do some camping, have some sex in the woods, get the Light, and be back. Two days total. No problem.”

But the Light had been found by… _Something_. Monsters, Barry decided. The word was appropriate; even hunched over with their too-long arms dragging on the ground, they must have been over ten feet tall. Their faces were crowded with too many rows of too-sharp teeth and more eyes than any creature had the right to have. But most unsettling had been the quills taking up every inch of their backs and arms and tails. They bristled, as if they could move on their own. It was almost hypnotizing. 

A pack of these creatures—Barry’s quick count said five, but he wouldn’t be surprised if more had been nearby—had been surrounding the Light. _Worshipping_ it. And as soon as he and Lup had stepped too close, they’d turned towards them with teeth bared and spikes raised. Barry turned to run, but Lup seemed stuck in place. He grabbed her hand and yanked her along behind him.

And now they were running. Barry felt the heat of one of Lup’s fireballs behind them. 

Barry couldn’t hear anything other than the roar of flames. He had no way of knowing if she’d even managed to hit any of them. 

They wouldn’t be able to make it back to the safety of the ship, but if they could just lose these guys, they’d be okay. He and Lup could go back to their camp and rest until the sun came up and then head back to their family. He was tired of death. They weren’t going to lose anyone this cycle if he had anything to say about it. 

Barry threw a thunder wave backwards, and this time he could tell from the cacophony of screeches he’d hit his mark. Tightening his grip on Lup’s wrist, he threw down a cloud of fog and took a sharp turn through the trees. 

The snorts and stomps of the monsters fell back behind them. Barry felt a flood of relief. They’d _made_ it. They were safe.

Then Lup yelped in pain, and she was wrenched from his hold as she fell to the ground. 

Barry spun on his heels. Arcane energy pulsed from his clenched fists as he prepared to fight off however many monsters had caught up with them. 

Lup was on her knees, her breaths short and ragged, her left hand clutching at her right shoulder. Even with his shitty vision and even in the setting sun, he could see the long blue quill sticking from her back.  
Barry felt the air rush from his lungs. They were so _close._ “Lup—”

 _“Shit!”_ Lup hissed through clenched teeth. “It’s fine. We can—Let’s get back to camp first.”

With a numb nod, Barry helped her to her feet. A distant growl sent him sprinting again and Lup took off into an uneven run beside him. 

_It’s fine. She’s okay. Get somewhere safe. Get back to camp and everything will be fine._

His lungs burned and his legs ached, but finally their camp was in sight. The sounds of the creatures had faded completely, and Barry could only hear his own labored breathing and Lup’s heavy footfalls. 

He leaned against a tree to catch his breath, eyes closed and head upward. He laughed softly, adrenaline still pumping through his veins. "I… I think we're okay now. We made it.” 

They’d _made_ it. 

“Yeah. We did. Can we get this whole… situation taken care of?”

Barry opened his eyes to see Lup staggering towards him. Fear tightened in his chest. He pushed off of the tree and rushed to her side, absently tossing a ball of flame into the waiting fire pit. “Yeah. Yeah, of course. Let’s just… Let’s sit down, okay?” He lowered her onto a log. Her knees practically gave out under her. 

Barry inspected the spine. It was easily the length of his forearm, and he could see the surface was covered with almost invisible hooks. The fabric of Lup’s shirt was dyed red with her blood, but there wasn’t as much blood as he’d been expecting with how weak she seemed. That wasn’t a good sign. 

He pushed the panic away. There was no point in jumping to conclusions. 

“Hold on. Fuck.” He began rifling through his bag. “I gotta remove this, alright? It's not gonna feel good. Just... Just cover your mouth, okay? I don't want those things to find us again." He pulled out his supply of gauze and bandages. 

He wrapped his hand in gauze to protect himself from the hooks before gripping the spine. "On three, okay? One, two—” 

He yanked the spine out early. Lup’s other hand flew to her mouth to muffle a scream. Barry watched her shoulders tense up and tremble. 

_"Fuck_ that hurt. But it's over now, right?" She laughed shakily, but Barry had known her long enough to hear that she was fighting back tears. 

“Yeah.” Barry swallowed the lump in his throat. He had a bad feeling about this. “Just gotta get you patched up. Shirt’s gotta come off. Is that okay?”

Lup released a breath that sounded almost like a laugh. “Babe, you’ve seen me naked. Of course you can take off my shirt to do some first aid.” 

“Just wanted to check.” Barry quickly pulled her t-shirt over her head, leaving her in her sports bra. The sun had all but vanished behind the tree tops, and he couldn’t see much beyond the dark blood. He muttered the words of a spell and four glowing orbs blinked into existence around them. Then, Barry used Prestidigitation to clean the area of blood before pressing fresh gauze to the wound. Lup flinched at his touch.

That’s when he noticed the white spiderwebbing across her dark skin, turning it a sickly grey. His stomach churned. “Shit, Lup. That doesn’t look good.” 

“That’s not very reassuring.” Her back was to him, but he could hear the frown in her voice. 

Right. He needed to stay calm. Freaking out wasn’t going to help her. 

Barry cleared his throat. “I’ve just… I’ve never seen anything react like this before. How does it feel?” He watched in horror as the white continued to spread. 

“I’m _fine,_ Bar.” A nervous laugh rippled through her. He heard her yelp. “Okay, shit. Maybe not.”

“Fuck.” Barry chewed on his lip, his heart pounding in his chest. _Stay calm._ “Here. I’ll see if I can get through Healing Word or something. I'm not good at this kind of stuff, but I can try."

He tried to remember what he'd said the last time he'd used Healing Word in an effective way and mumbled his way through it, feeling sick when the white continued to inch across her skin. Then, nervously, checked the wound under the gauze. The bleeding had stopped, but the wound was still very much there. "I... Sorry, that was the best I can do." 

He could feel himself beginning to panic. His head was spinning. Fuck, this wasn’t good. 

Lup leaned against him and pulled his hand into her own. She smiled, but it didn’t cover her own panic very well. And her fingers felt cold. "Bar? You need to calm down. We don't know what this is. It might be nothing."

Barry tried to focus on her words, but he couldn't. "I… The arrow must've had some kind of poison on it. You can see it under your skin, Lup, and I'm sure you can feel it." He squeezed her hand and ran the other though his hair. "I can't heal poison, and it's too dark already to go back until morning. I don't even know if Merle could help and I just don't know what to do. If we can make it through the night, I can figure out how to get us back to the ship when the sun comes up." Taking a deep breath, he searched her face for any signs of pain. They were there, right under the surface. Invisible to anyone that didn’t know her as well as he did.

 _"If_ I can make it through the night? Have a little faith in me, Bar." Her breaths were too slow, too measured, to be anything but deliberate. 

"It's not you I don't have faith in. You know that. We're not invincible. _You're_ not invincible." he took another measured breath and looked at how the poison was traveling. "Lup, you have to keep me updated on the pain and everything, okay? You have to. I… I can't try and help if you don't."

Lup closed her eyes, hesitant. "Okay. But you have to promise not to freak out, because that's not gonna help me either."

"I'll try, I promise that." He nodded, squeezing her hand gently. “Is it getting worse?” he asked softly, already knowing the answer.

“Yeah.” She offered him a slight nod and then winced again. "At first it was just kind of throbbing, but now it's constant, and it's definitely spreading. But, like, it doesn't feel like I'm _dying_ yet so I've got that going for me. Right?"

“I… I guess so.” Barry cleared his throat, trying to hide the anxiety written all over his face. If he had never seen this poison, there was a good chance Merle hadn’t, either. And that thought made him feel sick. 

But he also knew the nights on this cycle were shorter than most. As long as it didn't travel too fast, he could help her hold out until morning and then come up with a plan to get her back to the ship.

“Let’s lay down for a bit,” he whispered as he gently led her over to their tent and helped her onto their bedding. Lup watched as he worked to make her more comfortable: putting his pillow on top of hers, tucking her in, laying down beside her and taking her hand. "I'm not going anywhere. Try and rest. We'll get through the night and go back and Merle will fix you up."

Lup rested a gentle hand on his cheek and gave him a soft smile. “I’ll rest. It’s going to be okay. I love you, Bar.”

Barry felt selfish trying to find comfort when she was the one hurt, but he couldn’t help leaning into her touch. He chewed on the inside of his cheek and nodded. "I love you too, Lup."

She gave his cheek one last pat before rolling over. Barry wrapped his arms around her gingerly, taking comfort in the rise and fall of her chest. It wasn’t long until she fell asleep like that. And Barry meant to stay awake, but the rhythm of her breaths quickly lulled him to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a collab between me and my girlfriend Charlie.
> 
> If you're enjoying this, please let us know! All comments, kudos, etc. are appreciated. 
> 
> You can find Charlie on Twitter @chhharl 
> 
> You can find me on Twitter @WorldsGayestDM or on Tumblr @holla-pain-yo. 
> 
> Come talk TAZ with us!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Warnings for this chapter: character death, assisted suicide, suicidal thoughts.

Barry’s eyes snapped open as a horrific scream pulled him from sleep. His stomach churned and his hands shook as he summoned back his four floating orbs. The contents of their tent were cast in a too-harsh light, and Barry rolled Lup gently onto her back.

 _Fuck._

The webs of white had spread across the entirety of her chest. He could see it inching further: down her stomach, up her neck, towards her fingers. With each short, wavering breath, the white pulsed further along her skin. “Lup? Lup, I’m right here.” He fumbled for the canteen to help her drink.

“Barry?” Lup tried turned towards his voice, but another scream erupted from her throat. “Bar—” 

Barry dropped the canteen on the ground to put his hands gently on her face. "I… I'm here, Lup. I'm here. It's alright, try to breathe." Seeing her in so much pain, looking so sick, made his heart ache. Her eyes were clouded and unfocused. “Can you see me?”

Lup gave him a weak nod. Her chest rose and fell with slow, deliberate breaths. But even that seemed like too much to handle, and he heard her whimper. 

He fought back the urge to cry, rubbing his thumbs gently on her cheeks. What was he supposed to do? Her face was freezing. He let a hand trail to the pulse point in her neck. It was already slow and weak. "I… I don't think you've got much left in you, Lup. I gotta do something, okay? We have to make it through the night—both of us—so we can get back tomorrow." he wanted to wait for her consent, but with each passing second, her heart seemed to slow. He kept his hands on her cheeks and closed his eyes.

And then he cast Spare the Dying.

Her body pulsed with arcane energy, and she gasped for air. Her eyes cleared for just a moment before she squeezed them shut. “No, no, no, no, no!”

The relief Barry felt at her strengthening pulse disappeared as he heard her. "What is it? I know it's not ideal but to… to get through the night. Just let me get you some water, okay? You're stable for right now. You just have to rest." He took a moment to wipe at his eyes. He was trying to stay calm for her. He'd seen her through dying before, but they had _just barely_ made it into the year. He couldn't lose her. Not when the crew was waiting for them.

Lup shook her head frantically. 

"Y-You have to rest, Lup. It'll be okay." his voice broke. He put a hand back on her cheek, letting the other shakily card through her hair. "I'm here. You're gonna be okay." He sat by her, keeping his hands on her. He tried, and failed, not to cry as he hummed their duet. _Anything_ to help calm her. He felt her pulse and breathing drop again. The poison was almost covering her completely, now. His humming paused for a beat as he cast the cantrip again. 

Lup's body tensed. She let out a choked cry. It seemed that his touch wasn't even bringing her any sort of relief. "Barry? Barry, _please—“_

He'd never heard her say his name with so much hurt. "I-It's okay. The nights are short, remember? It won't be too long. You can already hear the birds waking up in the trees." he tried to keep his tone light through his tears, but his voice caught in his throat. He took her hand and brought it to his lips, kissing it gently. "Taako's m-making a surprise for dinner tomorrow, remember? Gotta make sure you get back so you can help him out. He doesn't trust anyone else to, you know." He forced a laugh as his shoulders shook.

"Please. _Please_. It hurts." The words came out between sobs. She was looking past him and out at nothing, as if the only thing that existed for her was pain. 

Barry knew what she was asking him to do. But he didn't know if he could bring himself to _do_ it. "Lup, I don't want to—I can't. I _can't_." 

For her it, it would be a moment and then she'd be back. But for him, it would be ten more months of facing everyone and facing himself, knowing that _he_ had to be the one to end her pain. He wanted to scream at himself for being selfish, for _always_ being selfish. 

He squeezed her hand. " _Please_ don't make me, Lup." He searched her face for an answer, but all he found was pain.

"I can't," she echoed, "I _can't_. Please." 

Barry made a pained noise. 

He couldn't just keep bringing her back, especially knowing that Merle probably didn't have an antidote. 

He wanted to hold her and kiss her and make it better, but he couldn’t. They were beyond that. There wasn’t any of _Lup_ left. 

Barry nodded, though she couldn't see him. He had to do it. It was the only way he could help her. It would be better this way. 

"O-Okay, Lup. I will. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn’t save you." he took out his wand, sobs shaking his body. "I love you, Lup. I-I'm so sorry." he looked long enough to aim and hit her with a magic missile, squeezing his eyes shut as it collided with her chest.

Lup barely seemed to notice when the spell hit her. She simply stopped moving.

With trembling hands, Barry pulled the blanket up around her chest to hide the scorch marks before collapsing at her side in a fit of sobs. He held her hand, rubbing his thumb gently across her cold skin. 

The sky started to lighten. They’d been _so close_ to daylight. He tried to push the thought out of his head; Lup wouldn’t have made it to the ship anyways. 

Finally, Lup’s fingers began to stiffen in his own. Barry forced himself up and stumbled outside. He used magic to dig a hole in the hard ground and wrapped her in her blanket. 

He didn’t cry as he lowered her down and buried her, but only because he had no tears left. He just felt heavy and empty and tired. 

Barry turned to start packing up his things. His eyes drifted from the smoldering fire to the spine he’d pulled from Lup’s shoulder only a few hours before. His body moved towards it almost on its own, and suddenly it was in his hands. He studied it almost absently. 

There was probably still poison on it. It would be so easy to just prick himself with it. To just _end_ it in the same slow and painful way Lup had gone. That’s what he deserved, and he knew it. The others wouldn’t have to know. Barry bit his tongue, weighing his options. 

But Lup would know. And that was enough. He made an angry noise and chucked the spine deep into the woods. 

He cleaned up camp as quickly as he could and began the day’s walk back to the ship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're liking this, please let us know! I'm on twitter @worldsgayestDM and tumblr @holla-pain-yo and Charlie, my girlfriend and coauthor, is on twitter @chhharl <3


	3. Chapter 3

Barry had barely noticed the ship until it took up his entire field of vision. He stopped for a moment, taking a breath. Had he really been walking all day? Hadn't he just left? 

It was always hard coming back without someone. Doubly hard when that person was Lup. She always seemed so _invincible._

Taako was going to be waiting for them on the deck of the ship. That’s what he always did when his sister left. And Barry knew he wasn’t going to take this news well. 

Barry trudged his way onto the ship, feeling sick and shaky as he forced himself to make eye contact with Taako.

“Where’s Lup?” Taako’s voice sounded careful and controlled, but Barry knew him well enough to hear the underlying panic. 

The lack of accusation in Taako’s tone made Barry’s chest ache. Taako didn’t know that Barry had done anything wrong. "Didn't make it. Ran into some creatures we didn't know were around. Lost the Light. She got hit by a poison spike. Didn't let me keep her alive through the night." he looked at the floor of the ship as he spoke. He kept his words short and objective.

Taako leaned against the side of the ship, as if he were bracing himself. Barry watched him clench and unclench his fists. He knew Taako was trying to keep himself under control, trying to keep the gravity of loss from hitting him fully. 

Finally, after a too-long silence, Taako asked in a shaking voice, “What do you mean ‘didn’t _let_ you?’”

Barry fought the urge to reach out and steady his friend. That would only make things worse. “S-She, uh… She was in a lot of pain, Taako.” He tried and failed to keep the waver out of his voice. “Barely alive. I-I used Spare the Dying a couple times before she uh. She begged me to kill her. She was in a _lot_ of pain, Taako.” He repeated the last part, as if that would soften the blow. 

Taako’s whole body shook. Barry forced himself to look into his face, where his eyebrows were knitted in disbelief and his bottom lip just barely quivered. Finally, Taako managed a whisper. “You killed her?” 

The words sounded so far away. Barry pressed his nails against his palm as he tried to stay present. He couldn't even cry anymore. "I had to, Taako. She begged me to, s-she uh…. She couldn't see or do anything, and every time I tried to spare her she'd scream and cry and beg." he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to get the image out of his head. " _Fuck._ "

"You _killed_ her," Taako whispered again. His body rose and fell with rapid breaths. "You _killed_ my _sister_?"

Barry covered his face with both hands, his whole body trembling. He couldn't feel his feet on the deck of the ship. He heard Taako's words but all he could see was Lup dying, face contorted in pain. "I had to." he answered, almost a whisper. "I _had_ to."

Sharp nails suddenly dug into Barry’s wrist as a hand was torn away from his face. Before Barry could process what was happening, Taako punched him in the jaw. 

The blow left him reeling, and Barry heard himself crying out. He wanted to punch back, to tell Taako as many times as he needed to hear that he had to. He _had_ to do it. 

Instead, Barry just let himself be knocked to the ground with the second punch, tasting blood in his teeth. Taako landed a third punch. Barry braced himself for another, but it didn’t come. 

He opened his eyes to find Magnus, with his arms wrapped tightly around a thrashing and screaming Taako. Barry’s glasses were in the ground in two pieces next to him, but even with his vision blurred he could see how tight Magnus’s hold was.

Barry could hear the voices of the rest of the crew, but they were more empty sounds than anything. Davenport was yelling something at Taako that he couldn't quite focus on. Strong, but gentle hands helped him to his feet. Lucretia helped steady him as Merle used a spell to mend his glasses and handed them back to him. 

Davenport and Magnus turned to him expectantly, and Barry realized they must have asked him something. “What?”

Davenport’s forehead creased with worry. “What’s Taako talking about?”

Barry’s head throbbed. Blood dripped from the split in his lip. He recounted the same story to the rest of the crew. Same wording. Same tone. Lucretia's tightening grip on his shoulder grounded him just enough while he spoke that he could get through it.

Davenport's frown deepened as Barry spoke and, when he was done, the captain let out a sigh. "I'm sorry, Barry." There was a genuine sorrow to his tone, a rare slip in professionalism the crew only saw when they lost one of their own. "It sounds to me like you did the best you could have done for her."

The captain's sympathy did nothing to ease his pain. He took a shaky breath and looked at Taako, still weakly struggling in Magnus's arms. "I tried to save her, Taako. The poison was something we've never seen, and she was in too much pain to keep being stabilized. It… It'll just be falling asleep and waking up for her." His tone was still a little monotone and he couldn't quite shake it. "We have to get through it for her."

Taako kicked Magnus in the shin one more time before finally giving up and going limp. "You don't get to tell me how to feel. Not when you're the one that took her away."

Barry felt that anger that he'd pushed away finally bubble up. "I didn't take her away. I had to! She _begged_ me to!" He yelled, furious, tears finally pricking his eyes again. He lunged away from Lucretia and at Taako, still in Magnus's grasp. He tightened a hand on Taako's collar before hearing Merle cast Calm Emotions. A wave washed over him. His hand dropped from Taako's shirt.

Taako kept an icy gaze on him. “Let me go, Magnus. I’m not going to try anything.”

Magnus seemed to weigh his options before setting Taako down on the deck. Barry pressed his palms against his temples and closed his eyes. Merle took him gently by the wrist. "C'mon, Barry. Come down to the infirmary and we'll get you patched up and get you something good to help you sleep." 

Barry just let himself be led away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on twitter @WorldsGayestDM or on tumblr @holla-pain-yo
> 
> Find Charlie on twitter @chhharl
> 
> If you're enjoying this, please let us know in the comments! They're a great source of motivation.


	4. Chapter 4

No one saw Taako for a few days. Then, Magnus walked into the kitchen to find Taako preparing an elaborate dinner. 

Taako grinned at Barry as they all sat down at the table. Barry could feel his heart thud anxiously in his chest, but he pushed his suspicions away. If the two of them could just pretend nothing happened between them, this cycle would pass a lot sooner. 

Besides, Taako never used to handle Lup’s deaths this well. Barry would take the little victories where he could. 

Barry stuffed himself, grateful for a break from the monotony of the simple meals he’d been eating these past few days. He felt horrible and empty, but at least he managed to keep himself eating. 

But then he went back to his room and his skin started to itch and burn. He scratched, growing more and more desperate as hives began to well up on his skin. It didn’t take long before each breath became a struggle and he realized his throat was closing up. 

Barry stumbled to Merle’s room and practically collapsed through the doorway. 

“Holy _shit!”_ Merle hobbled over and placed his hands Barry’s struggling form, enveloping him in a green light. 

Barry gasped for air as is throat returned to normal. Gradually, the burning faded and the hives disappeared. 

Merle helped Barry up to his feet, his forehead creased with worry. “What the hell _happened_ to you, kid?”

Barry shook his head. “I don’t know, I was—” He pressed his lips shut as it hit him. 

Only dairy caused an allergic reaction like that. Taako knew that. Everyone knew that. They didn’t even keep dairy on the ship anymore. Everyone had gotten used to the alternatives. More than _fifty years_ had passed since the mission started.

That hadn’t been a mistake. 

“I guess I’m allergic to something on this planet,” Barry shrugged. He tried to keep his face neutral as the rage flooded through him. Without another word, he stormed out of Merle’s room and down the hall. 

Barry yanked Taako’s door open without knocking and pointed harshly at Taako. 

"Hey. Just because you're upset doesn't mean you get to try and poison me. I miss her too, Taako. I feel like shit, too. You don't get to do this." His words stayed more measured than he expected. 

Taako turned to him with a cold glare from where he sat at his desk. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Barry narrowed his eyes as he stared him down. The anger bubbled in his chest. Absently, he realized he hadn’t felt this much emotion in days. "You're being a coward, Taako. You're my friend and I love you, but you're being an ass and a coward. I could've died. Would that make you feel better? If I would've died, too?"

"You killed her," Taako shrugged emptily, "I don't want to cook for the person that killed my sister."

Barry's jaw tightened. Every part of him wanted to punch Taako in the face so badly—to knock some _sense_ into him—for being an idiot. He stopped himself. That wouldn’t get them anywhere, no matter how much Taako deserved it. "I'm not going to go over what happened again. I already told you how it was. I would give my life a hundred times over for Lup, and you know that. When you decide to stop being passive aggressive, let me know so I can keep eating with my family."

Taako pursed his lips as if deep in thought, his voice carefully void of expression. “I’d get used to making your own meals for a while.”

And so, Barry stopped eating with the crew altogether. 

The remaining crew members decided unanimously to give up on the Light this cycle. They didn’t want to lose someone else the same way they lost Lup. 

Everyone else seemed to find things to occupy their time, but Barry spent his days sleeping and his nights awake in a haze of depression. He made himself quick meals out of their less-favored rations once everyone had gone to bed. And while he knew he shouldn't isolate himself—that it wouldn't make him feel better—he couldn't help it. 

Even though everyone was sticking to the ship this cycle, Barry hadn’t seen the others in almost three weeks.

Then Barry woke up to an insistent knocking at his door.

He grumbled in his sleep, lying in bed until the persistent banging at his door finally roused him out of bed. After throwing on a t-shirt, he opened the door to find Davenport staring up at him. 

"Uh, hey Captain. Something wrong? Someone attacking?" Barry rubbed his eyes.

Davenport let himself in without a word, his hands clasped behind his back. "I think you know why I'm here, Barry."

Barry turned on a lamp and pulled out a chair, just in case Davenport wanted to sit. He plopped himself on the edge of his bed and put his smudged glasses on. "Yea, probably. I’ve been sort of a shitty crew member lately. Sorry about that."

Davenport deflated, sinking down into the chair. "Barry, I'm here as your _friend_ more than your captain. Let's put your workload aside for one minute, alright?"

Barry sighed and scratched the back of his head. He needed a haircut. And a shower. "Sure." He dropped his hands into his lap.

"I know you're having a hard time with what happened, and I don’t blame you. But you're not taking care of yourself. You sleep all the time, you’re not bathing, and I don't know the last time I saw you in the lab. And you can't keep skipping meals."

Barry stared at his hands, wringing them together. He knew Davenport was right, but getting called out by someone he cared about only made him feel worse. "I'm awake, I'm just awake at night. Don't have anything to do in the lab. I do need to shower more but... I'm not skipping meals. Really, I'm eating when I can."

Davenport frowned. "Barry, I haven't seen you eat with us in weeks."

"I'd love to eat with you guys, really. But until Taako stops trying to poison me, I'll have to keep eating oatmeal in the middle of the night." He didn’t stop the bitterness from seeping into his voice. 

The captain shot to his feet. "Bluejeans, what do you mean?"

Guilt panged in Barry’s chest. “I didn’t mean to make it sound so dramatic, Captain. Sorry.” He sighed. “Taako’s still upset with me. He’s using dairy in his cooking. I confronted him about it the first time, and we didn't get anywhere. So, I’ve been making my own food.” 

Davenport's expression shifted from shock to disbelief to rage. "He _what?"_

"Dav, it's really not that big of a deal. He might be bluffing. I only had a reaction that first time and then stopped eating with you guys because he said he'd keep using it. It's fine. Let him be angry."

"Believe it or not, Barry, I'm not going to let Taako _poison_ you.” Davenport marched towards the door. "I'm going to get this resolved right now."

“Um—” Barry ran to catch up with Davenport, without enough time to even pull on his jeans. "Davenport, wait. I've already tried to talk to him about it. We've only got 9 months left in the cycle. I'm fine."

"You are _not_ fine, Barry. Everyone can see that.” Davenport rapped on Taako’s door. “We're taking care of this." 

Just as he finished speaking, the door slid open. Taako stood facing them, his face twisted with annoyance and anger as he turned to Davenport. “Yeah?” 

"We can speak in your room or we can go to my office, Taako, it's your choice. But we're talking. The three of us." Davenport fixed his gaze on Taako, sympathy gone from his voice.

Taako wrinkled his nose and sneered at Barry. "You finally snitched, huh? Fine. Come in."

Barry kept his face neutral despite his embarrassment and shame as he slipped into the room. Davenport didn't sit down, but stood and glared at Taako. "Tell me what's going on. And be honest."

Taako crossed his arms with feigned disinterest. "I already told him. I don't want to cook for the guy that killed my sister."

Barry could feel the anger radiating off of the captain. But at this point, he didn't even care. He just wanted to get through the cycle with his nose clean, and he wanted Lup to come back.

"That's not your call, Taako. Everyone already knows what happened, and what the circumstances were. Lup was suffering and Barry did what he could to save her until she asked him to take other measures to _end_ that suffering. You're more than welcome to continuing being bitter and angry at one of the _few people_ close to you, but you _will not_ put a member of my crew in danger because of it." Davenport's voice stayed strong and steadfast. "You're acting malicious over something that wasn't _done_ out of malice. It's not an option to _poison_ Barry. And if you're going to _continue_ to put him in danger, then you're relieved of your duties for the rest of the year and will be asked to leave the ship until the cycle is over."

Taako’s body tensed as he turned to Barry. “You took her _away_ from me.”

Barry’s heart sped up. He didn’t want to discuss this; he just wanted to _forget_ about it. "She's not your property, Taako. I didn't want to do it. I _begged her_ not to make me. I can't sleep at night thinking about how she looked and sounded and how much pain she was in." His hands and his voice began to shake as grief and guilt took their hold on him. "Taako, if you were there and she would've asked you would've done the same thing. She was dying _so painfully and slow_ and every time I brought her back, she just… She made this _noise_ and… She _begged_ me." He chewed on his lip to keep his composure, but his voice still cracked. Davenport rested a gentle hand on his forearm. 

“Of course, she’s not my property. She’s my _sister,”_ Taako spat back. 

Barry's vision started to blur at the edges. He took a deep breath in to keep himself grounded. Davenport's hand left his arm. "Taako,” the captain sighed, “How would Lup feel if she saw you treating Barry like this?"

Taako snarled. "That's not _fair!_ She's not here!"

“That doesn't matter, Taako!" Davenport took a step forward as Barry took one back. "You don't exist in a bubble. There are other people around you with thoughts and feelings. You're not even concerned about how _Lup_ would feel! You're only concerned about yourself. You've been putting Barry in danger, and making things a lot harder for yourself in the long run. What are you going to do when Lup does come back and gets to hear about how you were behaving for a year?”

Taako went rigid. For a long moment, he stayed silent and unmoving. Then, finally, he hissed, "Get the fuck out of my room."

Davenport grabbed Barry by the wrist and started dragging him towards the door. “You have a lot to think about, Taako.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW for this chapter: Discussion of past suicides and suicidal ideation
> 
> This chapter in particular was inspired by "Looking up for Heaven" by QPenguin98. The way they've written about the Stolen Century kind of changed the way we thought about canon. I wanted to give them credit where credit is due. If you haven't read their stuff, they're one of our favorite TAZ writers and they have some fantastic angst and h/c
> 
> There's a (newly added) link to the story in Chapter 1 because I marked it as an inspiration, but here's the link again just in case: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16219895

Barry took a hot shower. He made sure to wash his hair and shave his face. He let the water get hotter than he normally would, leaving his skin red and numb. But he _needed_ that, needed to keep his thoughts from floating away. 

His stomach growled as he pulled on fresh clothes. It had been almost 24 hours since he'd eaten. As much as he knew he couldn’t put it off anymore, Barry _really_ didn’t want to go to the kitchen. 

Maybe he could bring some nonperishables to his room and stay there as long as they'd last. 

As he started down the hall, Barry heard the clanking of dishes. He stepped through the threshold to find Taako, his back to him as he bent over the stove. 

Barry immediately turned to leave. 

Taako made no attempt to face him. “Wait.” 

Freezing in the doorway, Barry bit his tongue and twisted back around. He didn’t have another confrontation in him. He was so burnt out, so _tired._ “Yeah?”

“Steak, mashed potatoes, and gravy.” Taako finally turned, sliding a plate across the table. “Dairy free.”

The smell alone made Barry’s mouth water. He stared at it for a moment, hesitant, then at Taako’s neutral expression. He wanted to question him, but he knew better. If Taako had decided to extend an olive branch, he should take it without too much of a fuss.

Barry sat down and took a bite of potatoes. He couldn't help but make a noise of enjoyment. "Mm... These are good. First time I've had a decent meal in a while. I just haven’t felt up to cooking, you know? Thanks, Taako."

“Don’t worry about it.” Taako wiped his hands on an apron and started to leave. 

“W-Wait. Will you hang out with me while I eat?” Barry found the words tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop them. “I haven’t had company in a while, either. Haven’t let myself.”

Taako remained unmoving for a long moment before finally backtracking and sinking into the chair across from him. He stared down at the wooden grain of the table. 

Barry took a few more bites of food, happy not to feel the starting stages of anaphylaxis. He didn't look up at Taako. "I'm sorry about all of this."

Taako's body tensed. "You've apologized enough."

"I just thought I'd do it one more time." He took a bite of the steak, chewing carefully. "This sucks for all of us. Me and you especially. I want us to get through it together, rather than being pissed off at each other. So, I just appreciate this." he nodded to his plate.

"Yeah, well. Figured you were tired of oatmeal." Taako shrugged.

Barry laughed softly. He hadn’t laughed in so long that he found himself needing to force it, but even that felt good. "You're right. I miss having dinner with everyone, too. I'm not the most social guy or anything, but I've been sort of isolating myself. Guilt and depression and all that."

Taako nodded, but he still didn’t look up. “I didn’t exactly help.”

“I’m not gonna lie and say you’re wrong,” Barry responded quietly, “But we're both hurting. So, I know you usually sort of… keep to yourself and your sister about these sorts of things. But if you ever want to talk, you can talk to me, Taako. I won't judge. You're my friend."

Taako snorted. "You have pretty bad taste in friends, Barold."

Barry smiled. "I don't have a lot of choices."

Taako finally caught his eye and offered a sad smile of his own. It faded quickly. "I miss her, Barry," he whispered.

Barry struggled to hide his shock. He hadn’t actually expected Taako to take him up on his offer. Dealing with either of the twins emotionally paralleled approaching a feral animal, and Taako was the worse of the two. Barry took a bite of food from his nearly empty plate. "I do too. I always miss her when she's gone, but this time was the worst so far. I know it's hard for you when she's gone, too."

Taako began examining his nails. "I know you love her, but you still don't know what it's like for me without her."

Barry hesitated. He couldn’t deny the truth in that. "That's valid, Taako. Really. It's easy to forget I haven't known Lup my whole life. It’s the same with any of you guys, really." he chuckled. "What's it like for you? If I can ask."

Taako sighed. "Like half of me is just... gone."

Barry took the final bite of steak and set his fork down with a gentle nod. "Does anything make it easier?" 

Taako shook his head. "Not until she comes back."

"I'm glad it's not like the first handful of times, though.” Barry scraped his thumbnail against a worn spot in the table. He tried to blink away the images of Taako “accidentally” falling to his death, or poisoning himself, or dying alone in the woods while everyone else slept. “We missed you those years. They were… They were really tough."

"It was easier for me," Taako whispered, "Can't say it wasn't especially tempting this time."

Barry chewed on the inside of his cheek as an extra spark of guilt flared up inside him. He didn’t think he could have handled it if Taako would've killed himself. "I thought about it, too," he said finally. "When I was leaving our campsite after burying her. Found the spike that got her and though, ‘well I could just do this,’ you know? Figured it'd make her sad. She wouldn't want that." 

“Yeah, she’d be pissed,” Taako answered dryly. “I thought she was gonna kill me herself when she figured out what I was doing.”

Barry couldn’t find a response, and the conversation died. The silence felt comfortable enough, considering the circumstances. Taako continued to stare anywhere but Barry, and finally Barry broke the silence. 

“I should try and get some sleep. I'm gonna try and get my schedule turned around, so I can contribute to the crew.” He stretched his arms above his head. “If you ever want to just hang out, Taako… Don't hesitate, alright? Even if you just want to come make fun of me in the lab or something. I'd like the company."

“Maybe I’ll take you up on that.” Taako lifted his head with a small smile. “But you better not tell anyone about this, okay? I can't let the others think I have _feelings_ or some shit." He rolled his eyes with mock disgust.

“Can do.” Barry laughed warmly, reaching across the table to clap Taako gently on the arm as he stood. “Thanks again.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW/TW for this chapter: discussion of suicidal thoughts and past suicides.

Barry started trying to spend more time in the lab, both to get himself out of his funk and to appease Davenport. He could always find _something_ to research. And it felt good to return to his old routine; it kept his mind of Lup. 

A few days after Davenport’s intervention, Barry found the lab light already on. He hesitated before sliding the door open. “Uh, hey, Taako.” 

Taako gave Barry a lazy wave. He’d clearly made himself comfortable; he sat in the chair that usually belonged to Lup and had his feet kicked up onto the table where Barry had been piling his research. He flipped lazily through an old cookbook. “Hey, Barold.”

Barry tried to hide his surprise so he didn’t scare Taako off. Wordlessly, he walked over to the table and began organizing his papers. He let the silence hang over him until he felt like it would suffocate him, and then blurted out, “How’s your day going?”

“Fine,” Taako answered flatly.

Barry flinched. He knew better than to drag Taako into small talk. But what else could he do? He sat down across from Taako and opened his notebook. Maybe he could transfer data into a new table. Something mindless, enough to keep him busy. 

For a long while, the only sound was the scratching of Barry’s writing and the turning of Taako’s pages. Barry noticed that Taako had stopped actually looking at the pages, but he didn’t push. 

“Was she really in that much pain?”

Barry’s pencil slipped from his hand. He picked it up quickly, trying to collect himself. The question had caught him off guard, but Taako didn’t sound angry. If anything, he sounded weak and far away. 

“Yeah,” Barry replied quietly, “She was. Never seen her in that much pain. It was terrible.”

Taako swallowed. Nodded. "I wouldn't have been able to… do what you did."

Barry chewed the inside of his cheek. "I wish that made me feel better about it.” He chuckled emptily. "I kept telling her to hold out, you know. Spare the dying is a cantrip. But… I think I was making it worse. The pain, I mean."

"I bet you did what you could. You always do." Taako sighed, turning his gaze from his book to the floor. "I wouldn't have been thinking about the pain. I'd be too worried about having to go on without her. That's why I wouldn't be able to do it. Too selfish."

"I thought about that too." Barry closed his notebook. "That's why I was gonna off myself. But I couldn't do it."

“Not that I’m complaining, but why not? Because of Lup?” Taako snorted. “Even knowing how pissed she’d be, I wouldn’t have hesitated.”

Barry nodded. "Yea, mostly. I don't want her disappointed or angry. And she'd be hurt if she knew I did that, you know? Even above anger just… She'd be hurt." he propped his chin on his hand, staring off into nothing. "I thought about how selfish it'd be, too. Lup suffers and now I'm going to take myself out just because I'm upset? Wouldn't be fair to everyone else."

Taako flinched, and Barry realized the full weight of his words. "Sorry, Taako. I didn't mean for it to come out that way. It wasn't directed at you. Everyone handles things differently."

"No, I mean, I'm about as selfish as they get. I know that." Taako kept his face carefully neutral.

"I don't think that's true." Barry sat up a little straighter. "If you were only selfish I don't think you'd cook. I mean, you put a lot of care into your cooking. And I know you can say it's just so you can get the compliments, but I dunno. I've known you a long time Taako, and I don't think you're all selfish." 

Taako closed the book and flipped it absently between his hands. "That's enough emotional vulnerability for today." He stood up and started to stroll for the door with that forced casualness. "I've gotta get started on dinner or something."

Barry shot to his feet. "Taako, wait. Your company is nice and if you want to keep hanging out in here with me, I can just shut up and we can do our own thing. If you want to. Or if you want help with dinner or something." Having someone in the lab with him made him feel a little more at ease and a little less empty. He didn’t know if he could handle suddenly being alone again. "You're welcome to go off by yourself. I'm just offering."

Taako held tightly to the book at his side and kept his back to Barry. "If you want, you can meet me in the kitchen in an hour to help with dinner," he said finally. "Cooking sucks on my own."

Relief flooded through Barry. "Yea, I can do that no problem. I'll see you then."

\--

Barry and Taako passed the rest of the cycle this way. Taako loitered in the lab, or Barry helped in the kitchen. As strange as it was, it made them both feel a little less numb.

They were never the closest, never each other’s first choice for company, but Barry grew comfortable having Taako around at odd times. 

The morning of the last day on the plane, they passed each other in the hallway and high fived. It felt almost cruel, but they were almost excited for the Hunger to come. When it devoured this stupid plane, they’d have Lup back. 

Barry stood on the deck as Davenport steered them expertly as always through the dark pillars of the Hunger. They rose through the atmosphere, and then Barry felt himself getting ripped apart. His vision faded into brightness, into streams of light and energy, before it cleared. 

He sprinted straight towards the twins and threw his arms around both of them, pressing his face into Lup’s neck to take in her smell and her warmth. 

She was here. She was back. She was real and alive. 

Lup chuckled. “Hey. What I miss?”

**Author's Note:**

> This is a collab between me and my girlfriend, Charlie. As soon as she gets an ao3 account I'll mark her as a coauthor. She's on twitter @chhharl
> 
> You can find me on tumblr @holla-pain-yo and on twitter @WorldsGayestDM
> 
> If you're enjoying it, please let us know! We appreciate any kudos or comments you leave us.


End file.
